Chris Brown - Yo (Excuse Me Miss) (2006)

*1/2 (of four)



The kitchen staff of the restaurant I work in is populated almost exclusively with African-American males between the ages of 17 and 50, and a frequent debate during downtimes is for the title of Greatest MC Ever. There was a heated argument going on a couple weeks back - one teenage kid thought Jay-Z was the best ever, while another one was arguing for Nas. Neither one would give way, and both were in fact yelling so loud the customers could hear them out front. And I managed to jump in with, "Guys, guys - I don't know why you're arguing about who's the best rapper. For my money, it begins and ends with Chris Brown." Which was the biggest laugh I've gotten in months from the kitchen brother crew.

If you're not familiar, Chris Brown is part of the next generation of Usher clones (Pretty Ricky, Young Jeezy) ready-made for TRL. He's like sixteen, light-skinned, just an okay singer and doesn't rap. Chris is more a choreographed-dance type of act, and over the course of the "Yo" video, he dances into the heart of a gorgeous-ass rented model who won't give him the time of day when she first walks past the shoe store he just got fired from. He follows her down the street, dancing with two guys he apparently doesn't even know, busts some more moves on the basketball court and eventually climbs into her back seat and starts making out with her.

That's not even the halfway point - we also have to suffer through a dance sequence on a black Cadillac hood and an Interlude That Has Nothing To Do With The Video. It's enough to make you wish Chris would just go back to working in the shoe store. Watching him try to squeeze some high heels onto a belligerent, 400-pound lady who swears she's a Size 7... now there's your video.

Boyz II Men - Thank You (1995)

**1/2 (of four)



Okay, I just mentioned that I have a hunch Az Yet is doing shows at casinos across the country, but I know for a fact Boyz II Men - such a massive act in the early and mid-'90s - recently played the Bottleneck Blues Bar at the Ameristar Casino here in St. Louis. Well, not "played" so much as stood around with microphones and harmonized over the sounds of Plinko bonuses on the Price is Right nickel slots. A couple friends and I even considering seeing Boyz II Men at Ameristar, which would have been a killer high school nostalgia trip, but the tickets were something outlandish like $45 and they were missing one of their guys. I think the guy with the deep-ass bass voice whose singing always sounded like it belonged at the low end of a Bobby McFerrin backing track.

On the VH1 Soul channel, though, at two in the morning, the Boyz II Men boyz live on in all their squeaky-clean Motown glory. I always much preferred the doo-wop dance harmonies of "Thank You" to the formula treacle of "I'll Make Love To You," which got like five times the airplay. The video, like the song, is happy as hell - director Lionel C. Martin shows the guys visiting their old Philly neighborhood by Jeep. The barbershop, the pool hall, the park, the stoop in front of the old brownstone? Represented. Meanwhile, fourth grade versions of the Boyz run wild in the streets and discover the magic of their parents' 45-rpm records. "Thank You" is pure cheese, almost embarrassing and still damn near impossible to resist.

Az Yet - Hard to Say I'm Sorry (1997)

** (of four)



A year and a half ago, on a Royal Caribbean cruise, I spent an entire afternoon working up a standup comedy routine about the ship and perfected a wicked impression of the Norwegian captain for the night's "Adult Karaoke / Talent Show." Only to be told by the hefty Jamaican emcee lady that standup and particularly impressions of the captain "will earn ya a boot overboard wit' no life vest!" So what did I do? I grabbed my buddy and signed up for a karaoke duet of Az Yet's remake of "Hard to Say I'm Sorry." The bar was set mighty low that night - our duet got a standing ovation, mainly from retirees, and the rest of the week had strangers coming up to me saying, "You're that guy that did the karaoke."

During that week in late 2004, I was more famous than R+B boy group Az Yet themselves. Who, I think, are currently on the casino-tour circuit, which isn't half bad for a group that had one hit that was a Chicago cover song. Peter Cetera, himself not long for the casino circuit, contributed vocals to the recording but is nowhere to be seen in the video. Wise decision - BET wouldn't have touched this shit with a ten-foot pole if it had included a 50-year-old Cetera emoting into the camera with clenched fists.

Director Bille Woodruff, who's been around forever and was - I think - behind every single Toni Braxton video, pulls the strings here. There's lots of washed-out color from across the wheel, and when the Az Yet guys aren't chilling with their girlfriends or shown from above, singing into a weird, elongated five-way mic stand, they're standing in boxes and rolling around town in their pimped-out '97 white Hummer. Which matches their sleeveless sweater vests.

Sounds happy, right, but there's drama afoot. One of the guys - not the one who looks like a Mr. Potato Head version of Don Cheadle, not the Jon B-looking one with the Prince stubble, not Usher's drunk uncle - pisses off his woman, gets a drink tossed in his face and sulks straight through the bridge and third chorus. The key to winning her back? He rolls up in the Hummer while Don, Jon B., Usher's uncle and other guy look on, and he gives her a dalmation puppy he stole from the Sublime guys. The shit works, too. Peter Cetera would be proud.

P.S. I always wished this remake would segue, like the Chicago original, into a funked-out version of "Get Away." No such luck.

eMpTyV index - 2005-2006

NEWEST REVIEWS

Nick Lachey - What's Left of Me (2006)
"Aside from having your actors constantly flash sorrowful looks off-camera, how do you show the dissolution of a marraige without words? Well, if you said, 'By resorting to something completely cheesy and ineffective like showing their belongings fading into nothingness,' you win the Grand Prize. Which is a date with Nick Lachey himself. Don't worry if you're kinda chunky or smelly or a guy, Nick's cranked up the knob to "Super Desperate," and he's ready for your lovin'." [read more]

Hawthorne Heights - Saying Sorry (2006)
"I can't hear the band name Hawthorne Heights without picturing a primetime soap-opera knockoff of "The O.C." where the parents are adulterous, the kids are into drugs, and one of the main characters gets killed off in the season finale. Instead, what we're in for here is a bunch of dudes in nurse costumes, standing on fake clouds and playing music Billboard.com describes as "post-hardcore/emo-pop." To those of us in our late twenties, it's just a big, steaming pile of subpar Green Day, Blink 182, Third Eye Blind and Foo Fighters poop." [read more]

The Fray - Over My Head (Cable Car) (2006)"When I saw goober-looking lead singer Isaac Slade's adult face dissolve into the very similar visage of a little uniformed schoolboy, I thought I'd be in for another music video rendering of the outcast emerging triumphant. Imagine my surprise when this kid seemed to get along with his peers, who didn't even make fun of him for religiously studying sheet music for his piano recital. It's almost as if this video is saying that, if you study hard enough and are tenacious with your dreams, you'll amount to something. What the hell has happened to MTV?" [read more]

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eMpTyV EXTRAS

Total Request Live Episode Review - 03.20.06
"TRL, in its ninth or so year on the air, with Carson Daly long having since flown the coop, is every bit the rehearsed-hip, screaming teenybopper, braindead commercial plugfest it ever was. The MTV people have this phony-ass, self-serving shit down to a science..." [read more]

2006 Grammy Awards - Hours Two Through Four - 02.09.06
"Best Pop Vocal goes to Kelly Clarkson, who thanks Jesus and God but not Simon Cowell, the third member of the Holy Trinity. Clarkson does give a shout-out to Bonnie Raitt, who is then seen in reaction shot sporting a shit-eating grin on her face like, "Yeah, thanks, I'm here because I have songwriting and musicianship skills. You owe your career to a reality TV show on the fucking Fox network." [read more]

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RATING SCALE

**** = John
*** = Paul
** = George
* = Ringo
zero = Yoko

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REVIEWS BY ANDREW HICKS

2Pac - I Get Around (1993) ***1/2
50 Cent - Candy Shop (2005) *1/2
50 Cent - Window Shopper (2005) *1/2
Gregory Abbott - Shake You Down (1987) **
Trace Adkins - Honky Tonk Badonkadonk (2005) *1/2
Clay Aiken - Invisible (2004) *
All-American Rejects - Dirty Little Secret (2005) **1/2
All-American Rejects - Move Along (2006) **1/2
Fiona Apple - O' Sailor (2005) **
India Arie - I Am Not My Hair (2006) **
Armor For Sleep - The Truth About Heaven (2005) **1/2
Az Yet - Hard to Say I'm Sorry (1997) **
B5 - U Got Me (2005) *1/2
David Banner - Play (2005) **1/2
Natasha Bedingfield - Unwritten (2005) **1/2
Beastie Boys - Root Down (1995) ***
Black Eyed Peas - Don’t Lie (2005) ***
Black Eyed Peas - It's Like That (2006) **1/2
Black Eyed Peas - My Humps (2005) *1/2
Bloodhound Gang - Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo (2005) **1/2
James Blunt - You’re Beautiful (2005) **1/2
Bon Jovi - Have a Nice Day (2005) *1/2
Boyz II Men - Thank You (1995) **1/2
Marc Broussard - Home (2005) ***
Chris Brown - Yo (Excuse Me Miss) (2006) *1/2
Busta Rhymes - I Love My Chick (2006) **
Mariah Carey - Say Somethin' (2006) **
The Carpenters - Close to You (1971) *
Cee-Lo - I'll Be Around (2004) ***
Chamillionaire - Ridin' (2006) **1/2
Cher - If I Could Turn Back Time (1989) **
Cody Chesnutt - Look Good in Leather (2002) **
Kelly Clarkson - Because of You (2005) *
Click Five - Just the Girl (2005) *1/2
Coldplay - Fix You (2005) **
Keyshia Cole - Love (2006) *1/2
Phil Collins - Another Day in Paradise (1990) **
Phil Collins - I Wish It Would Rain Down (1990) **1/2
Sheryl Crow - Tomorrow Never Dies (1997) **
Jamie Cullum - Get Your Way (2005) **1/2
Billy Currington - Must Be Doin' Somethin' Right (2005) **
D'Angelo - Lady (remix) (1996) **1/2
Terence Trent D’Arby - Wishing Well (1988) **
Da Back Wudz - I Don't Like the Look of It (2006) *1/2
De La Soul - Ego Trippin' Pt. 2 (1993) ***
DHT - Listen to Your Heart (2005) *1/2
Dixie Chicks - Not Ready To Make Nice (2006) *1/2
DMC - Just Like Me (2005) **
Dream Academy - Life in a Northern Town (1986) **1/2
Hilary Duff - Wake Up (2005) *1/2
Missy Elliott - Lose Control (2005) ***
Eminem - When I'm Gone (2005) **
Evanescence - Bring Me To Life (2003) *1/2
Fall Out Boy - Dance, Dance (2005) **
Fat Joe - So Much More (2005) **
Field Mob - So What (2006) **
Foo Fighters - Best of You (2005) **1/2
Fort Minor - Where'd You Go (2006) **
The Fray - Over My Head (Cable Car) (2006) **1/2
From Satellite - A Hundred Days (2005) **
The Game and 50 Cent - Hate It or Love It (2005) ***
Genesis - Invisible Touch (1986) *1/2
Gnarls Barkley - Crazy (2006) ***1/2
Go West - King of Wishful Thinking (1990) *1/2
Good Charlotte - Hold On (2004) **
Green Day - Holiday (2005) ***
Anthony Hamilton - Can't Let Go (2005) ***
Jan Hammer - "Miami Vice" Theme (1985) *
Hawthorne Heights - Saying Sorry (2006) *1/2
HiM - Wings of a Butterfly (2005) ***
House of Pain - Jump Around (1992) ***
Alan Jackson - The Talkin’ Song Repair Blues (2004) ***
Janet Jackson - Got Til It's Gone (1997) ***1/2
Janet Jackson - When I Think of You (1986) ***
Michael Jackson - Another Part of Me (1988) **
Leela James - Music (2005) ***1/2
Jay-Z - Hard Knock Life (1998) **1/2
JD and Jay-Z - Money Ain’t a Thang (1998) ***
Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl (2003) ***
The Jets - Crush on You (1986) *
Jewel - Again and Again (2006) *1/2
Jack Johnson - Upside Down (2006) **
Howard Jones - Everlasting Love (1989) *
Mike Jones - Still Tippin’ (2004) **
Junior Senior - Move Your Feet (2003) ***
Juvenile - Slow Motion (2004) **
Toby Keith - Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (2002) zero stars
R. Kelly - Ignition (2004) ***
R. Kelly - Playa’s Only (2005) **1/2
Alicia Keys - Unbreakable (2005) ***
Korn - Twisted Transistor (2005) ***
Nick Lachey - What's Left of Me (2006) *1/2
Brie Larson - She Said (2005) *1/2
The Lemonheads - It's a Shame About Ray (1992) **1/2
L.L. Cool J - Control Myself (2006) **
Lindsay Lohan - Confessions of a Broken Heart (2005) *1/2
Ludacris - Number One Spot/The Potion (2005) **1/2
Madonna - Die Another Day (2002) ***
Madonna - Sorry (2006) **
Makaveli - Hail Mary (1997) **1/2
Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved (2004) **1/2
Ricky Martin - I Don’t Care (2005) *1/2
Michard Marx - Satisfied (1989) *1/2
Matisyahu - King Without a Crown (2005) **1/2
Mazzy Star - Fade Into You (1994) ***
George Michael - Father Figure (1988) **1/2
Kylie Minogue - Come Into My World (2002) ****
Alanis Morissette - Crazy (2005) **
My Chemical Romance - Ghost of You (2005) **1/2
Mya - Fallen (2004) **
Nappy Roots - Po' Folks (2002) ***
Nas - One Mic ***1/2
Me’Shell Ndege’Ocello - Pocketbook (2002) **1/2
Nelly - Grillz (2005) *1/2
Juice Newton - Queen of Hearts (1981) *
Nine Inch Nails - Only (2005) ***
Notorious B.I.G. - Warning (1995) ***
Outkast - Land of a Million Drums (2002) ***
Robert Palmer - I Didn't Mean To Turn You On (1986) **
Panic! At the Disco - I Write Sins, Not Tragedies (2006) ***
Sean Paul - We Be Burnin’ (2005) **
Tom Petty - It's Good To Be King (1995) ***
Pink - Stupid Girls (2006) **1/2
Poison - Something to Believe In (1990) **1/2
Pussycat Dolls - Buttons (2006) **1/2
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Dani California (2006) (2006) ***
Reliant K - Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Been (2005) **
The Rembrandts - I’ll Be There For You (1995) *1/2
Rihanna - Pon de Replay (2005) **1/2
The Roots - Next Movement (1999) ***1/2
Santana featuring Steven Tyler - Just Feel Better (2005) *1/2
Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Dancing (1976) zero stars
Smash Mouth - Story of My Life (2006) **1/2
Will Smith - Switch (2005) **1/2
Snoop Dogg and Pharrell - Drop It Like It’s Hot (2004) ***
Soundgarden - Spoonman (1994) ***
Britney Spears - Do Somethin’ (2005) *1/2
Britney Spears - My Prerogative (2005) **1/2
The Specials - Ghost Town (1981) ***
Starship - Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now (1987) *
Gwen Stefani and Eve - Rich Girl (2005) **1/2
Gwen Stefani - What You Waiting For? (2004) ***
Stray Cats - Sexy and 17 (1983) **1/2
Stryper - Soldiers Under Command (1985) *
Sublime - Date Rape (1992) ***
Switchfoot - Stars(2005) **
The System - Don’t Disturb This Groove (1987) *1/2
T-Pain - I'm in Love With a Stripper (2006) *1/2
Talking Heads - Wild Wild Life (1986) ***
Technotronic - Pump Up the Jam (1989) *
Temple of the Dog - Hunger Strike (1992) **1/2
Tone Loc - Funky Cold Medina (1989) **1/2
Toto - Hold the Line (1978) *1/2
Trick Daddy - Sugar (Gimme Some) (2005) ***
KT Tunstall - Black Horse and the Cherry Tree (2006) **1/2
Van Halen - Right Now (1992) **1/2
Suzanne Vega - Luka (1987) **1/2
The Veronicas - 4ever (2005) **1/2
War - Why Can’t We Be Friends (1975) **1/2
Kanye West - Heard 'em Say (B+W Version) (2005) ***1/2
Kanye West - Jesus Walks (2004) ***
Kanye West - Touch the Sky (2006) ***
White Stripes - Hardest Button to Button (2003) ***1/2
White Zombie - More Human Than Human (1995) ***
Saul Williams - Black Stacey (2004) ***
Vanessa Williams - Colors of the Wind (1995) zero stars
Mark Wills - Back at One (1999) **
Wreckx-N-Effect - Rump Shaker (1992) *1/2
XTC - Dear God (1987) ***
"Weird Al" Yankovic - Like a Surgeon (1985) ***
Yellowcard - Lights and Sounds (2005) *1/2
Yellowcard - Rough Landing, Holly (2005) ***
Rob Zombie - Foxy, Foxy (2006) **1/2

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REVIEWS BY LEON BRACEY

Amerie - 1 Thing (2005) ****
Bubba Sparxxx featuring Ying Yang Twins - Ms. New Booty (2006) ***1/2
R. Kelly - Trapped in the Closet, Parts 1-5 (2005) **
Khia - My Neck, My Back (2002) *
Madonna - Hung Up (2005) **
Pretty Ricky - Your Body (2005) *
Sean Paul - Temperature (2005) ****
Trina - Here We Go (2005) **1/2

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ANDREW'S ARCHIVE REVIEWS BY YEAR

2001
2000
1999
1998
1996
1994

Nick Lachey - What's Left of Me (2006)

*1/2 (of four)



Jessica Simpson's embarrassed, heartbroken ex is attempting a comeback built on public sympathy not seen since Gloria Estefan's 1991 release "Coming Out of the Dark." But, while the Miami Sound Machine singer's chart-topping sympathy single was seen as the triumphant reemergence of a strong-willed woman who wouldn't let a wicked car accident get her down, Nick Lachey's sympathy comeback is just plain pathetic.

Have you read the recent Rolling Stone profile of Nick? He cries, he questions his manhood, and he's completely overshadowed personally and professionally by the gorgeous blond who dumped him on his ass. The RS article would have made Nick seem like the biggest loser alive if "George W. Bush: Worst President Ever?" hadn't been on the cover.

The difference is, you know if Laura left Dubya, instead of spending a month in his pajamas, crying into a quart of Ben and Jerry's, he'd get out there, play golf, bomb a brown-skinned nation and make up a few new words to console himself. Nick's reaction is to belt out emotional lyrics like, "I'm broken and I'm fading / I'm half the man I thought I would be." Even his pecs are pouting.

Nick, wearing one of Simon Cowell's black T-shirts, mopes around his poorly lit, blue/green-tinted mansion as his relationship dissolves in front of a TV crew. But any resemblance to persons living or dead in this video is entirely coincidental - the woman who's breaking up with Nick here (played by TRL host Vanessa) has brown hair, and she knows Chicken of the Sea is a brand of tuna, not chicken. See? They're nothing alike!

Director Ray Kay goes on autopilot throughout the entire affair. Aside from having your actors constantly flash sorrowful looks off-camera, how do you show the dissolution of a marraige without words? Well, if you said, "By resorting to something completely cheesy and ineffective like showing their belongings fading into nothingness," you win the Grand Prize. Which is a date with Nick Lachey himself. Don't worry if you're kinda chunky or smelly or a guy, Nick's cranked up the knob to "Super Desperate," and he's ready for your lovin'.

Pussycat Dolls featuring Big Snoop Dogg - Buttons (2006)

**1/2 (of four)



The dust has long settled on the Spice Girls phenomenon, which opened the door for the rest of the TRL revolution, and the Pussycat Dolls - a burlesque dance troupe from L.A. - have all but replaced Posh, Sporty, Sexy, Dopey and Grumpy. However, where the Spices were determined to construct individual personalities, the Pussycat Dolls are indistinguishable from one another. It's just a sea of glistening, tight, sexy bodies writhing, moaning and grinding. I think I prefer this approach.

"Buttons" is nowhere near as obnoxious as the Emancipation of Mimi outtake "Stickwitu," or the Fergie outtake "Don't Cha (Wish Ya Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me)," which I've seen more fat girls sing without irony than any other Watch Me Attempt To Reassure Myself I Look Good song in recent memory. This track has more of a midtempo harem vibe to it, and the video puts it to quality, spankworthy use.

Veteran director Francis Lawrence decks out the entire video in shades of black and orange-brown, on a vast soundstage. The six PCDs spend four minutes making love to the camera and teaching seventh graders how to dance like strippers, while Lawrence cuts to interludes with a curiously windless wind tunnel, open flame, a ballet bar (the Dolls are limber, it should surprise you not to learn), rows of dangling gold bead-curtains and - yes, thank you, Lord! - black chairs.

All this is enough to make you forget Snoop Dogg is in the video, too. "Buttons" marks the first time I've seen Snoop officially credited as "Big Snoop Dogg" on an MTV title card. It's almost as if he desperately has to assert his masculinity in this roomful of chair-grinding knockouts. ("I'm big, I swear! All six of you can get an inch of my manhood!") Still, Snoop quickly gives up trying to earn any attention amid this Maxim lesbo-orgy and hides behind thick sunglasses and a black Unabomber hoodie and enjoys the show. Wise deshizzle, Snoop. Wise deshizzle.

Hawthorne Heights - Saying Sorry (2006)

*1/2 (of four)



I can't hear the band name Hawthorne Heights without picturing a primetime soap-opera knockoff of "The O.C." where the parents are adulterous, the kids are into drugs, and one of the main characters gets killed off in the season finale. Instead, what we're in for here is a bunch of dudes in nurse costumes, standing on fake clouds and playing music Billboard.com describes as "post-hardcore/emo-pop." To those of us in our late twenties, it's just a big, steaming pile of subpar Green Day, Blink 182, Third Eye Blind and Foo Fighters poop.

The nurse guys play on their clouds, angels with too much eye makeup float above them, a little boy and girl play doctor and one of the band's girlfriends finds another chick's number in his jacket. While the guy and girl are fighting, the souls of each of them come up out of their bodies and hold hands, as if to say, "Our bodies and minds hate the fuck out of each other, but that doesn't mean our formless spirits can't hump like bunnies until dawn." The ethereal boning never materializes, and
neither does the watchability in this video from director Major Lightner, who should rightfully be busted down to "Private First Class."

The Fray - Over My Head (Cable Car) (2006)

**1/2 (of four)



I'm stating the obvious and the already-stated-a-million-times, but we all know every kid who gets picked on in school dreams of becoming a famous rock star and showing all those little bully bastards who's boss. So, when I saw goober-looking lead singer Isaac Slade's adult face dissolve into the very similar visage (same criss-cross, vertical hairstyle and everything) of a little uniformed schoolboy, I thought I'd be in for another music video rendering of the outcast emerging triumphant.

Imagine my surprise when this kid seemed to get along with his peers, who didn't even make fun of him for religiously studying sheet music for his piano recital. They were all laughing with him, not at him! Then the kid has the opportunity to cheat on a standardized test, and he doesn't. Instead, he finishes the test, takes center stage in his school's empty auditorium and belts out the chorus to this song. And gets a glimpse of his illustrious future - playing in a band and performing to packed crowds.

It's almost as if this Elliot Lester video is saying that, if you study hard enough and are tenacious with your dreams, you'll amount to something. What the hell has happened to MTV? And, for that matter, what's happened to me? I used to dismiss pap like this out of turn. Instead I'm singing along and hoping the kid gets to hold onto his lunch money after all. Man, am I old and soft.

Busta Rhymes - I Love My Chick (2006)

** (of four)



Busta and Gabrielle Union play Mr. and Mrs. Smith, an upscale couple first seen undergoing a marriage counseling session. During which they insist they have no problem getting along. No fighting. But, very much like the 2005 Brangelina movie of the same name, the Smiths are on different sides of the law, and the video (directed by Busta with Benny Boom) delights in showing the pair locked in silly-ass forms of combat. None of it is to be taken seriously, and none of it's particularly funny, so mainly we're on overfamiliar blockbuster turf. High-budget eye candy without much inspiration to back it up.

Busta, dressed in camouflage, rolls in on some kind of off-road dune buggy while Gabrielle is hanging out in her desert Unabomber shack. Busta proceeds to blow that up with a bazooka, and back in civilization, she retaliates by running him over with an SUV. Let's see, Gabrielle also chases Busta around the living room while wielding a sword, and he throws sofa cushions at her. Then they make out wildly and assure coy, curious neighbor Dr. Dre that everything's fine at home, just before the mansion is blown to bits by the feds.

There's no "To Be Continued" title card superimposed at the end, but you can be sure that, if Brad and Angelina make a Mr. and Mrs. Smith 2, Busta will make an "I Still Love My Chick" video. And producer Will.I.Am will put together another beat that apes The Neptunes, with him singing the bridge and everything.

Gnarls Barkley - Crazy (2006)

***1/2 (of four)




As I professed in a review about a month ago, I'm a huge Cee-Lo fan. I also loved the Danger Mouse Grey Album bootleg, so to have the two team up as Gnarls Barkley - well, shit, I'm all ears. The leadoff single, "Crazy," is a breezy, ethereal piece of electronic soul you can sing along to like a kid and still respect like an adult. I'm willing to forgive the dumbass band name and maybe even buy the album. In a store, like we used to do.

The "Crazy" video, from director Robert Hales, perfectly suits the transient, otherworldly feel of the song. It's sparse and involved at the same time, a series of symmetrical, moving ink blot images on a white backdrop. Most feature a pair of Cee-Los singing the lyrics in profile while splotches of ink morph into varying abstract images. Danger Mouse, looking like Matisyahu's swarthier older brother, cameos from time to time, as do cartoon beetles, spiders and birds. Use of color is judicious and sparing, and the entire affair is guaranteed to blow your mind in a completely harmless way.

Chamillionaire featuring Krayzie Bone - Ridin' (2006)

**1/2 (of four)

Chamillionaire has one ass-dumb song in "Ridin'," but I dare you to listen to it once and not walk around the rest of the day with its chorus on a repeat loop in your head. Having just watched the video, I'm in for about ten more hours of Trynna Catch Me Ridin' Dirty Trynna Catch Me Ridin' Dirty Trynna Catch Me Ridin' Dirty Trynna Catch Me Ridin' Dirty Trynna Catch Me Ridin' Dirty Trynna Catch Me Ridin' Dirty Trynna Catch Me Ridin' Dirty. It's a good thing I'm not in school anymore.

"Ridin'" is about that quintessential element of the black American experience known as Being Pulled Over All The Time For No Goddamn Reason. I live in an area that's low on crime and high on police staff, and it's practically a guarantee that if your skin's darker than Burnt Sienna in the Crayola box, you'll be late to work about twice a week while Officer Scraps from the K-9 unit is sniffing out your car. And Chamillionaire, with his pimped-out ride, tilted baseball cap, black skullcap and dog collar bracelets - not to mention, the chorus of this song is blasting out of his car speakers at full volume ALL THE TIME - makes a sweet target for John Q. Law.

John Q. is played in this video by Deebo, so you know he's a dirty cop. He chases some anonymous posse member on foot, pulls over Chamillionaire and then stakes out his warehouse, which is part chop shop, part pawn shop, part nightclub and part hair salon. All I know is, I've never seen a rap video booty dancer change the oil on a stolen car before. That's got to at least be a misdemeanor. But wait: Chamillionaire sends Deebo packing by presenting a permit for the giant warehouse, which is official headquarters of his Chamillitary. Yes, you heard me right. Chamillitary.

BRANCHES OF THE CHAMILLITARY
Charmy
Chanavy
Chair Force
Charines
Chanational Guard

Poison - Something to Believe In (1990)

**1/2 (of four)




Six or seven years ago, around the time of my college graduation, "Something to Believe In" and Poison in general were guilty pleasures of the tallest order. This existentialist power ballad came into my life at a personal crossroads and loss of faith, but I viewed the entire affair (that is to say, my existence and this Poison track) with tongue firmly in cheek. Yes, it was with full, knowing irony that I waved my fucking lighter from Row DD of the Riverport Ampitheater while half-drunkenly singing along on a warm June night in 1999.

When you think about it, it's kind of appropriate that "Something to Believe In" was Poison's last big radio hit. Within months, the Seattle revolution would blow through and leave Bret Michaels & Co. wondering why God had forsaken them in favor of flannel. Michaels is one somber, big-haired bastard in this video, too - even his giant Axl Rose headband is a funereal shade of black. He, C.C. Deville and the other guys act as grown up as one can while wielding bright blue guitars and wearing red paisley berets on a black soundstage.

Meantime, the uncredited director cuts in lots of moody black-and-white shots of cemeteries; homeless folk; psychotic Vietnam vets who resemble Bob Seger, Michael McDonald and Kenny Loggins, respectively; Evil Hollywood; and, my favorite, the grinning visage of the deposed Reverend Jim Bakker. As you know if you happened to watch the Poison "Behind the Music," Bret Michaels was a charter member of the PTL Club - he was as disappointed as anyone to find out he could no longer ride the body slides at the Heritage USA theme park.

Stryper - Soldiers Under Command (1985)

* (of four)



I've always considered myself fairly well versed in the annals of Stryper videography. (Somewhere) I have my very own VHS copies of the Christian hair-metal concert extravaganza Stryper Live in Japan* and the hourlong pseudo-documentary and music video collection Stryper: In the Beginning. I was a Christian school kid, after all - in the days of Motley Crue, Poison and Metallica, I was allowed to listen only to music bearing God's stamp of approval. My favorite band, from the ages of 10 through 13 or so, was Stryper, with a Bible-believing bullet. I even saw them in concert last fall, at an all-night bar in East St. Louis called Pop's.

Imagine my surprise, then, to turn on VH1 Classic and stumble upon a rather primitive-looking video for "Soldiers Under Command," the title track to Stryper's second album. The entire affair is on autopilot from the beginning, with a mix of studio rehearsals, concert performances, roadies unloading yellow-and-black stage equipment**, a Sam Kinison-lookalike producer concentrating on the soundboard, and the entire band eating Chinese food backstage. The hair is huge, the costumes have to be seen to be believed, and the song itself is embarrassing. And instantly takes me back to fifth grade. VH1 Classic performs an odd public service, to be sure.


* = I think they're still popular over there.

** = Favorite Shot: The hoisting a hundred feet in the air of the giant "666" with the red circle and line through it. The devil is not welcome at a Stryper show.

Junior Senior - Move Your Feet (2003)

*** (of four)



The "Celebrity Playlist" section of the iTunes Music Store is one dangerous place for my credit card. I never thought I'd find myself morbidly curious to learn what tracks Jay-Z pumps in the McDonald's drive thru or which Spacehog song Liv Tyler and her husband make love to most often. Instead, I'm downloading all kinds of weird shit (my favorite playlist so far: director Robert Rodriguez) via celebrities. That's how I got to know and love - in a very odd way - this British dance-pop song from Junior Senior. Which, if memory serves correctly, comes courtesy of the Celebrity Playlist of one Weird Al Yankovic.

"Move Your Feet" has dub elements of '70s funk and disco, '80s new wave and '90s electronica, and is catchy as hell despite having no verses and a seven-word chorus. The video, from Shynola, is a charming but extremely low-budget animated effort with all the quality of an 8-bit video game. If you're a fan of pixels, check out this hodgepodge of drunk squirrels, singing hotdogs, banjo-playing children, frowny-faced burning toast, dancing robots and, of course, the guys of Junior Senior themselves. It's strange, it's childish, and if it's good enough for Weird Al, it's good enough for me.

Soundgarden - Spoonman (1994)

*** (of four)



During my state-mandated government class one Tuesday afternoon, Mr. Dehart wheeled in the TV/VCR cart from the AV department and dimmed the classroom lights. I figured we were in for another kitschy 1970s "How a Bill Becomes a Law" presentation, but instead we spent the 52-minute class period watching a VHS time capsule of Dehart's appearance on a local public-access cable talk show.

On the video, the younger version of our bald teacher had long, unwieldy hair and a thick salt-and-pepper beard, and he revealed himself to be a master of spoon percussion. Mr. Dehart was a spoonman way before Chris Cornell and the boys cut this song about it. And, after turning the lights back up, he told us all the secret was to sand down the bowl end of the spoon. The duller the bottom of the spoon, the easier the process of rhythmically smacking them together. Useful info, to be sure. I never did learn how a bill becomes law.

Mr. Dehart lives on in my memory thanks to VH1 Classic's Rock Fest show, which polishes the dust off this old Soundgarden video from time to time. Director John Smithey shows the band in color-tinted photo stills, which the camera roams up and down and side to side, documentary-style.

This visual collage holds up just fine for the length of the video, but the star of the show is the Spoonman himself, a mohawked, crazy-eyed homeless man named Artis who putters around a barren loft, soloing on the spoons and apparently developing all of these still photos of Soundgarden in his darkroom, stalker-style. I have a feeling if we took a look in Mr. Dehart's darkroom, we'd see zero pictures of Soundgarden and about 300 pictures of Buffalo Springfield.



SMARTASS COMMENT FROM MY ORIGINAL REVIEW, 12/94:
"I don't know about you, but I think alternative music could definitely use more spoon solos."

Yellowcard - Rough Landing, Holly (2005)

*** (of four)



My first experience with a Yellowcard video yielded a short, rude review. The second time around, with "Rough Landing, Holly," director Marc Webb has given me a video that's held my attention. The Alan Cumming-lookalike lead singer spends four minutes stuck in an episode of "Quantum Leap" on crystal meth, except that he's only in the same place for like three seconds at a time, has no mission to accomplish and doesn't have the help of Al or Ziggy.

The Cumming doppelganger is first seen lying in bed, where he sets down the book he's reading and gets sucked into his bright red comforter. Travels through some sort of silk comforter vortex and ends up in the bed of a hot, slumbering brunette. Whose husband is standing at the dresser with a pissed-off look on his face. Cumming escapes out the bathroom window and reappears crawling out of a manhole and onto an empty street. Ten seconds later, he's in a Chinese nightclub. Twenty seconds after that, he's running down an empty school hallway.

One crack house, one briefcase of holy water, one underwater poker-game sequence, one hospital visit, one youth riot and one bizarre kissing game later, we're left with one of the more visually compelling videos on the MTV Hits channel's current playlist. Sure, it apes the far superior Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, and sure, the song is indistinguishable pop-punk, but it adds up to a damn entertaining package.

Da Back Wudz featuring Caz Clay - I Don't Like the Look of It (2006)

*1/2 (of four)



"What do you get when you can't write a song? / Steal someone's work and you call it your own." Practically ensuring Chocolate Factory author Roald Dahl is spinning like a top in his grave, hip-hop act Da Back Wudz (never heard of 'em? me either...) builds an entire track around one line from the "Oompa Loompa" theme song. Just one more entry in the "Whistle While You Twurk" subgenre of dirty South rap songs built around kids' movie staples. Just wait till Lil' Jon gets ahold of "Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo."

In the Fat Cats-directed video, a shorty brandishing a golden ticket is allowed entry into the Rowdy Candies factory, which more closely resembles a chop shop. Children wearing magenta Oompa Loompa wigs roll big-rimmed tires around and polish the chrome while the Back Wudz rappers do their thing (one of them's wearing Johnny Depp's white Wonka aviator glasses), and a handful of bored-looking hotties just barely dance. One of them paints a red car blue. It's outlandish shit, yeah, but it's not near as fun as it rightfully should be. I don't really like the look of it.

Tone Loc - Funky Cold Medina (1989)

**1/2 (of four)



The people at VH1 Classic are perverts tonight. First comes Stray Cats jailbait anthem "Sexy and 17," then two songs later, Tone Loc's ode to date-rape drugs, "Funky Cold Medina." Meet a hot girl out at the bar? Already bought her a couple drinks and nothing's happening? Slip her some Funky Cold Medina, and she'll be panting on you in no time. (Speaking of "panting," Tone Loc makes it clear in the first verse that Funky Cold Medina is effective on dogs, too. Makes them hump your leg and stuff. Just keep that in mind. I don't think that's something they mention on the label.)

This grainy-ass video just pretty much tells the story of the lyrics - hot girl succumbs to Loc's Medina in a bar, Loc's dog humps his leg, Loc unknowingly takes home a transvestite man and, my personal favorite, Loc ends up on "Love Connection" and has his date immediately chasing marriage. Other nice touches - the bubbling beakers of green Medina juice, the dialogue ballons ("Tone Who?!") and the guy walking down the club hall with a turntable-scratch setup hanging around his neck. Aged well? Why, no, it hasn't.

Stray Cats - Sexy and 17 (1983)

**1/2 (of four)



Years back, when I worked as a movie theater usher, one of the off-duty security cops would spend entire shifts telling us the age-of-consent laws for different states. Hawaii? Eighteen. Arizona? Sixteen. North Dakota? Four and a half.* It was from this perverted-ass cop that I learned my home state, Missouri, allows men of any age to stick it to seventeen year olds. So it's not at all creepy for me to call up the local '80s radio station and dedicate this Stray Cats song to "the entire eleventh grade girls' gym class at Parkway North." Not creepy in the slightest.

"Sexy and 17" comes from the infancy of MTV, and as such it's full of all the overdrawn sight gags and wooden choreography of Reagan Administration-era videos. The funniest shit, for reasons intended and unintended, is at the beginning, when the leather-jacket-and-undershirt-wearing Stray Cat rockabilly rebels pop up in a prep school class. Brian Setzer and the boys are sitting among a roomful of lookalike shirt-and-tie student automotons, as they (i.e. the Cats) taunt the old lady teacher, who keeps turning around just as they duck back behind the automotons. Poor, befuddled lady. She's just trying to teach a geometry lesson.

The rest of the "Sexy and 17" video shows the Stray Cats spreading mayhem around the stately old prep school, culminating in a locker-slamming brawl between the Cats and the Squares. There's also concert footage from inside a bar, and there's Setzer's love interest "Marie," who is first seen from behind, brushing her teeth and wearing nothing but one black stocking and some skimp-ass underwear. If you've got a TiVo, go ahead and freeze frame this stuff. I'll wait, don't worry. Not creepy in the slightest.


* = Yeah, keep your kids away from North Dakota. They do things different up there.

Dixie Chicks - Not Ready To Make Nice (2006)

*1/2 (of four)



Remember like three years back, when Natalie Maines from the Dixie Chicks told a London concert audience that she was ashamed that George W. Bush hailed from her home state of Texas? Remember how that sparked a huge outcry afterward? I laughed my ass off when I saw local karaoke DJ break his Dixie Chicks Soundchoice disc in half, mid-show, and announce that the Chicks were traitors to our country and essentially also sonic terrorists.

Which I thought was absurd. Not the part about destroying Dixie Chicks karaoke discs, but his reasons for doing so. Me, I'd pay top dollar to ensure I'd never again hear six drunk bachelorette party girls giggle their way through "Goodbye Earl." When I saw the karaoke guy shatter his Dixie Chicks CD, I was wishing I could convince him that Meat Loaf, Gloria Gaynor, Bon Jovi and Celine Dion were also a bunch of president-hating, anti-American assholes. Celine's from Canada, for chrissake. They're liberal as hell. Let's get a bonfire going and burn up all this shit. Grease soundtrack, you go get in the pile too! I know you voted Kerry.

Well, now the Dixie Chicks have responded to that whole controversy, at a time when the president has a 32% approval rating and America is still in Iraq with no exit date in sight. This should be easy for Maines and Co., but instead of finding any meaning or true feeling in this song and performance, I'm spending four minutes wondering if Natalie's forehead got bigger. I think the stress of the controversy grew it out about three sizes.

The video? A bunch of quiet, performance-art nonsense. Maines is wearing a white dress, her hands are dirty, and she smears black tar all over the dress. The religious figures and elderly gossips are all standing in the shadows, buzzing with negativity. The other Chicks are trying to hold Maines back from her rage. Then there's a passionate violin... er, fiddle solo, and Maines whips out a boxcutter, hijacks a plane and flies it straight into the house of that jerkoff karaoke DJ.

K.T. Tunstall - Black Horse and the Cherry Tree (2006)

**1/2 (of four)



This video has more uses than any in recent memory of the "She'll only come out at night" camera shot from the beginning of the Hall and Oates video for "Maneater." You know that shot I'm talking about - where the camera is close-up on a right-profile shot of Hall, then he spins his head dramatically toward the camera to convey immediacy and alarm. Well, K.T. Tunstall does this head-swivel at least eight times in "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree," and it gets old, well, just before the first time she does it. Otherwise, director Sophie Muller supplies us with plenty of dark-room shots of Tunstall playing an enormous acoustic guitar and bass drum that threatens to swallow her whole. And she beats on a snare drum and a tamborine. She's a one-man band, just like that Sgt. Pepperoni guy who used to wander around Six Flags when I was a kid. I have immense respect for you, K.T. Tunstall.

Jack Johnson - Upside Down (2006)

** (of four)



I like Jack Johnson, I have to state that up front, but "Upside Down" has the unfortunate timing of appearing on my TiVo the day after the David Blaine-in-an-aquatic-bubble media circus finally came to a gaspy, Guess I Can't Hold My Breath For Nine Minutes head. Because after seeing clips for days of Blaine floating around his water bubble and staring out at the world, knowing he was as bored with his stunt as we were, now here's Jack Johnson spending the first half of his video lip synching from underwater with his acoustic guitar at his side, getting warped the crap out of.

Johnson does hold his breath for a good verse or so before the director cuts away to Curious George swimming up to him. Then the real-life ex-surfer singer and the cartoon monkey stare at each other for a few cutesy seconds and Johnson spends the rest of the video sitting Indian style (or is it "Native American style" now?) in front of a blue screen. Lots of cartoon stuff here, and Johnson's in full "Zippidy Doo Dah" mode, so the sap factor is high. If that sounds good to you, well, you probably already have kids at home and a big soft heart and don't want to hear the story of how I pulled the tail off my gerbil when I was twelve.

Red Hot Chili Peppers - Dani California (2006)

*** (of four)



It's good to have you back, Chili Peppers. What's it been, six years since your last video? Missed you guys. And here you are, mugging it up in your version of that subgenre of music video known as Impersonate The Greats. You've seen Phil Collins and Phil McCartney put on their Buddy Holly wigs and Eminem do his best Dope Show-era Marilyn Manson. You even probably cracked up when David Lee Roth shoved the Billy Idol impostor into the electric wires in "Just a Gigolo."

So you guys got together and talked about all your favorite rock and funk acts over time, the ones who influenced you, the ones you wished you could have been, the ones who you figured passed the torch on to you. You didn't want to leave anyone out - Elvis, Hendrix, P-Funk, the Stones, Iggy, Bowie, Sex Pistols, Prince, Motley Crue (fucking Motley Crue?!), Nirvana, Green Day. And, let's be honest, you guys all kind of wished you had the cultural relevance of any of the above acts instead of frequently seeming on the novelty or mush-ballad side of music.

But don't get me wrong, you guys are impossible to dislike. I've always been in your corner. And I like "Dani California," the song and the video. Sure, you mug it up hardcore - on an almost cutely fierce level - but it's obvious that, unlike Roth slamming Idol into the electric wires, you guys made this video out of love and reverence. You got to do a lot of wardrobe changes, take a lot of fun pictures and just generally goof off on the same black soundstage all day. The result is a gleeful mess that almost makes me forgive the fact that you put out a double album.

Mariah Carey featuring Pharrell and Snoop Dogg - Say Somethin' (2006)

** (of four)



It's unfathomable to me that Mariah Carey has managed both to nab and sustain this miraculous comeback of hers. I mean, Mariah's been riding the Emancipation of Mimi album for a fucking YEAR now. At this point, she's in Thriller and Rhythm Nation territory, releasing - what is this, the nineth single? Mariah's all over the MTV Jams channel at 4 a.m., slobbering on the ballsacks of Neptunes producer Pharrell Williams and Snoop Dogg, who's been phoning in his guest shots for the last half-decade and still manages to be bankably charming in videos and commercials and on talk shows.

Veteran director Paul Hunter brings us a high-society tale of paparazzi chasing our quasi-interracial celebrity couple (Pharrell and Mariah, who will henceforth be known to tabloids as "Phariah"), who roll around Paris or Venice or, I don't know, America* in the back of their fancy car. Then Mariah writhes in a bikini atop of a bunch of suitcases and Snoop stares through sunglasses at her cameltoe while sitting with his back to a bunch of safe-deposit boxes. The video degenerates from there - Mariah singing sensually into her Razor phone, Pharrell in a wife beater, Snoop looking around frantically for the half-ounce of Maui Wowie he had in his pocket when he arrived at the shoot...

* = Seriously, the peak of my geographical knowledge was ninth grade, when I knew what "mercator projection" meant and could name all the state capitals and continents. Now I can only name four of each, and I sure as hell don't know if Phariah is cruising around Europe or Iowa in this video.

Nappy Roots - Po' Folks (2002)

*** (of four)



About three seconds into this Darren Grant/Rich Newey video, we realize we're deep in rural Kentucky. No Wal-Marts, no traffic lights, but they do have three Starbucks. And everyone gets along, claims the homeless-looking old black man in the prologue. Cue what the closed-captioning guy refers to as "relaxed funk guitar music," as the anthemic sing-along chorus to "Po' Folks" kicks in.

This song is cool as hell. The Nappy Roots crew seemed to have so much promise and appeal here - little did the rest of us know that the album itself was loaded with mediocre, skip-over songs. It's an unassuming group, too. The NR guys hang out in and around a beat-up double-wide trailer home. One dude doesn't even seem to mind that he's using a toilet for an outside-sittin' seat. There's gonna be a lot of whittlin' going on, too, I imagine.

The Roots walk down the streets of their home town en masse, wave to the preacher, sit on hay in a pickup truck, cross the bridge, walk around the woods, go fishin' and pay their respects to relatives buried in the cemetery. Really, these guys give the entire tour of their corner of Kentucky. I spotted four discarded, rusty refrigerators and everything.

Grant and Newey also toss in interview clips between verses, featuring lots of happy black country folk and some of the most tooth-missin'est, Deliverance-looking peckerwood motherfuckers you've ever seen. All of whom proclaim their love for their surroundings, and some of the down-home pride is actually contagious. As a damn poor person myself, I like to see people who can find the joy in life despite not having shit. I know I for one have popped a huge grin every time the electricity has gone out while I was in the middle of taking a shower in a bathroom with no window.

Pink - Stupid Girls (2006)

**1/2 (of four)



I kind of like "Stupid Girls," and it kind of annoys me. It's not that the video doesn't successfully hit its (very obvious, very easy-to-attack) intended target - the brainless-anorexia image sold the world over by TRL divas, supermodels and other vagina-possessing whores of the media. It's more that Pink, during her seven-year tenure on MTV, has been guilty of every crime she's accusing her pop rivals of.

I've got Pink's midriff and cleavage burned just as deep in my brain as Britney's or Christina's or Mary Kate's or Ashley's. During the scene where Pink's sitting at the bowling alley with her black beret and turtleneck on, looking demure and intellectual, and her boyfriend ends up staring at the big-tittied bubblehead who's rolling the ball on the next lane over, I'm thinking to myself, Bitch, I remember you in the "Lady Marmalade" video. Don't act like you don't play ball with our shallow, shallow culture.

That's my main objection, you understand. Still, director David Meyers, who has helmed his share of softcore MTV shit, treats us to a mostly fun four minutes of Pink going off on body-image insecurity. We see her alternately acting like the self-assured, dignified lady president; desperately vying for the attention of men obsessed with stacked, skinny women; puking in the bathroom sink ("I totally had more than 300 calories today!"); doing the hip-hop ho thing; preparing to undergo cosmetic surgery; and, in the video's best sequence, parodying the "Boots Are Made For Walkin'" Jessica Simpson car-wash striptease.



The pot is accusing the kettle of having an eating disorder and selling out, which rings a little false, but "Stupid Girls" is definitely worth a watch. And, ironically enough, for a video that vilifies MTV's shallowness, this Pink clip is really quite spankworthy.

Jewel - Again and Again (2006)

*1/2 (of four)



Jewel is like the Terminator. Every time I think I'm rid of her, she grows a metallic claw, crawls up the trunk of my car and attacks me one more time. I thought the death of the Lilith Fair craze would lead her back to obscurity. No such luck. Then I thought her wrong-headed blend of folk and adult-contemporary techno beats would prove her undoing. Wrong twice. Jewel keeps coming back again and again, as this song's title asserts. Interestingly enough, the hook even rips off Fiona Apple's "again and again and again and again" line from "Fast As You Can."

Now, Fiona I can handle reappearing every few years. Jewel just gets on my nerves, and this Matthew Rolston video - with its country houses and cornfields and soft-focus shots of Jewel lying in the grass in some kind of wedding-dress sleepwear - is a dead ringer for a Summer's Eve commercial. Appropriate, considering new Jewel singles always give me that not-so-fresh feeling. Get me some vinegar and water, stat!

Smash Mouth - Story of My Life (2006)

**1/2 (of four)



Almost as inconceivable to me as the fact that it's 2006 and I'm watching a brand new Smash Mouth video on VH1 is the fact that I'm watching a brand new Smash Mouth video and it's not a cover song and it's not on the fucking Shrek 3 soundtrack or something. Smash Mouth would have been dead on instant arrival if not for cover songs on movie soundtracks: "Can't Get Enough of You Baby" from Can't Hardly Wait, "Why Can't We Be Friends" from BASEketball (yes, BASEketball), and of course that goddamn Monkees remake from Shrek 1.

So many reasons not to like Smash Mouth, and yet when the weather gets warmer and the days longer and I start to dwell on faded summer memories, this fat bastard and his cronies always deserve a spot on my playlist. They've got a handful of guilty pleasures, and now "Story of My Life" somehow enters the eschelon. It's harmless and mildly catchy, with a low-budget Steve Harwell video that's actually fairly charming on the first few views. Which, let's be honest - a few is all the views we're gonna get.

As the video opens, the band is playing in an empty motel parking lot. (Yes, this is what it's come to...) The fat bastard heads up to his room and finds out Smash Mouth is holding new auditions for lead singer, and apparently Florence Henderson is the front runner. So F.B. gets mad and decides to walk in on all the neighboring rooms, where strange sexual goings-on are going on and nuns and pimps are playing harps. Makes scant sense, but this is the story of this guy's life, that's all I know.

Kanye West - Touch the Sky (2006)

*** (of four)



I've never been a huge fan of Kanye West's self-importance, rampant egomania and abject inability to look intellectually impressive in a magazine interview, but somehow Kanye keeps putting out quality singles and videos. And I can't fault him for that. "Touch the Sky," a 1970s nostalgia trip from director Chris Milk, is all washed-out yellows, purples and roses as Evel Kanyevel (yeah, I know) heads in a vintage limo with girlfriend Pamela Anderson to the Arizona desert to leap the Grand Canyon (or some similarly enormous canyon) in a red, white and blue rocket.

But Kanyevel can't just perform his stunt, no. Before the rocket launches, he must contend with several bouts of Unnecessary Drama. First when Pam, in the naughty nurse coochie-cutter jumpsuit, sulks in his trailer, concerned for his safety. Begs him not to get in the rocket. Then, while a reporter is asking Kanye to defend his comments about President Nixon ("Richard Nixon doesn't care about sane people"), up shows a monster afro'd Nia Long to claim she got her ass left for a white girl. Which, shit, Nia's cool, but what guy's gonna turn down the chance to get with Pam, rampant venereal disease carrier or no?

Anyway, he does get his girl stuff sorted out and climb into the rocket. And you'd be surprised that, with a king-sized ego like Kanyevel possesses, he allows his rocket to arc a hundred or so feet above the canyon and then take a fiery 180-degree nosedive into the canyon, to the overdrawn expressions of grief on both Pamela and Nia's face. Unless maybe he thinks he's indestructible. Either way, sitting in the Oval Office with a distinct smile as he watches the footage on broadcast television? Yup. Tricky Dick.

India Arie - I Am Not My Hair (2006)

** (of four)



I write movie, music and book reviews for a site called Toxic Universe that nobody really goes to but its own writers. So, yeah, I read other people's reviews on there, too, and when I saw the video for India Arie's "I Am Not My Hair," I thought of a TU review written by Bobby Lashley. Who points out that India spends so much time selling her image as someone who doesn't care about image that she sometimes forgets to make good music to go along with it.

"I Am Not My Hair" is a perfect example of anti-image as image. India already devoted half a verse in her debut single "Video" to proclaiming that her brain and her muse both operate independently of her hair, and now she's taking the concept to an extreme. So if anyone's interested in knowing how India has worn her hair from the age of nine on, you should check out this song. Seems like this lady is pretty hung up on the follicular side of things.

Indeed, while frolicking on a white-backdrop soundstage in this Barnaby Roper video, India toys with every piece of fur she finds in the wig closet. We get the "natural" look (a headband obscuring a Statue of Liberty-crown fan of naps), the Lil' Kim stripper weave, the demure Carmen Miranda look complete with giant flower and - most jarringly - the 1982 Joan Jett, "I Hate Myself For Loving You" hoosier rocker look. Me personally, I like the Miranda makeover best while expecting never to see India sport it again. That would be too much of an image to fit the anti-image image.

India is also joined by R+B singer Akon, who has sold his image in a similar one-note fashion. This is the guy who writes songs about being in prison and having to deal with parole officers. I'm a big fan of the ad-libs in his song "Locked Up" - "I been locked up / Cigarettes are currency / Locked up / Wear an orange jumpsuit / Locked up / Jell-O for dessert on Thursday / Locked up / Got a job in the library." These two could keep a psychiatrist busy all week:

INDIA: No, I insist, I really don't care what my hair looks like.
PSYCHIATRIST: You've been saying that for three days straight.
AKON: What about me? I went to jail!
PSYCHIATRIST: We'll get to you in a second, Akon.