Thursday, March 23, 2006

T-Pain - I'm in Love With a Stripper (2006)

*1/2 (of four)

I found my dream stripper a few years back at P.T.'s in Sauget, Illinois. She was about 5'5", probably like 105 pounds, soft-featured and blonde with perky natural tits, and I fell for her immediately. She also, within twenty seconds of climbing onstage, fell on her ass. The friend I came with, who was sitting a few seats down, tossed out a sympathy dollar and beat a hasty retreat, while I settled into my chair with fanned-out bills at the ready. The dream stripper, upon regaining her balance, headed over my way. "That guy's an asshole," she whispered in my ear, smashing her right nipple into my cheek. "He laughed at me!" I told her not to mind my friend, he was half-drunk and was only trying to console her. "I fucking hate coming on after a black girl," she added, her thighs wrapped around my lower back at this point. "The stage is always slippery from that shit they put in their hair."

Well, the P.T.'s dream stripper would definitely want to steer clear of T-Pain's dream stripper. Who has a fair amount of product in her hair and is moving into the house next door with cardboard boxes full of fake-looking money. You also have to wonder if the agent from Konvict Realty who sold her the house stripped out all the copper pipes before she moved in. The Konvict Realty folks aren't quite as reliable as, say, Century 21 staff.

The stripper neighbor drops her keys, and T-Pain waits until cover of darkness to let himself into the house. Where her extremely pink bedroom is full of tiny little teddy bears and a stripper pole. Let's see, T-Pain also follows her to work, where we get some unsexy offstage laying around by the dancers and rappers, who seem way more interested in counting their money than doing the nasty. Director Scott Franklin also includes more loving slo-mo shots of rims, neck jewelry and T-Pain's multi-hued dreadlocks than titties and pert ass cheeks, which makes me want to turn this shit off and get back to P.T.'s with my asshole friend.

Oh, by the way, I can't stand this goddamned song either.


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