50 Cent - Candy Shop
*1/2 (out of four)
"Candy Shop" has one of the most godawful nursery-rhyme chorus refrains of any hip-hop single I can think of, with 50 Cent - monotone Mase-delivery in full effect - chanting, "I'll take you to the candy shop / I'll let you lick the lollipop." See that subtlety? 50 is going to let you lick the lollipop. You have permission to give him head. What a nice fucking guy.
I find it a little hard to swallow (pun intended - sorry) that, since I took my hiatus from writing video reviews 50 Cent has somehow become the world's most bankable pop star. Okay, the Dr. Dre endorsement doesn't hurt, but consider the flow - unimaginative, wooden and interchangable from song to song. Tell me "Candy Shop" doesn't sound just like "Magic Stick" or that one he's got at the top of the charts right now.
50, in his videos, also has none of the casual poise of Snoop Dogg or the playful humor of Eminem. He wanders through these clips like a zombie, mouth flat and barely moving. The most expression you get out of 50 in "Candy Shop" is when he raises an eyebrow at a dominatrix who rips his shirt off with a cat of nine tails that appears to be made out of braided hair weave.
The candy shop spoken of in the title and chorus of the song is an enormous brothel 50 (that's pronounced "fiddy," don't forget) stumbles into. It's a mansion in the middle of nowhere, populated with lingerie-wearing dream girls who embody fantasy archetypes - dominatrix, naughty nurse, woman pouring chocolate syrup on each other. All the shit Shakespeare used to write about.
ALTERNATE CHORUS LYRICS:
a) "I'll take you to the cancer ward / I'll let you lick the shiny sword"
b) "I'll take you to the ice cream parlor / Let you be my penis mauler"
c) "I'll take you to the hardware store / I'll let you chomp my drill bit girl"
d) "I'll take you to the monastery / Break the vow of celibacy"
You can vote on your favorite at http://www.asinine-entendres.com
"Candy Shop" has one of the most godawful nursery-rhyme chorus refrains of any hip-hop single I can think of, with 50 Cent - monotone Mase-delivery in full effect - chanting, "I'll take you to the candy shop / I'll let you lick the lollipop." See that subtlety? 50 is going to let you lick the lollipop. You have permission to give him head. What a nice fucking guy.
I find it a little hard to swallow (pun intended - sorry) that, since I took my hiatus from writing video reviews 50 Cent has somehow become the world's most bankable pop star. Okay, the Dr. Dre endorsement doesn't hurt, but consider the flow - unimaginative, wooden and interchangable from song to song. Tell me "Candy Shop" doesn't sound just like "Magic Stick" or that one he's got at the top of the charts right now.
50, in his videos, also has none of the casual poise of Snoop Dogg or the playful humor of Eminem. He wanders through these clips like a zombie, mouth flat and barely moving. The most expression you get out of 50 in "Candy Shop" is when he raises an eyebrow at a dominatrix who rips his shirt off with a cat of nine tails that appears to be made out of braided hair weave.
The candy shop spoken of in the title and chorus of the song is an enormous brothel 50 (that's pronounced "fiddy," don't forget) stumbles into. It's a mansion in the middle of nowhere, populated with lingerie-wearing dream girls who embody fantasy archetypes - dominatrix, naughty nurse, woman pouring chocolate syrup on each other. All the shit Shakespeare used to write about.
ALTERNATE CHORUS LYRICS:
a) "I'll take you to the cancer ward / I'll let you lick the shiny sword"
b) "I'll take you to the ice cream parlor / Let you be my penis mauler"
c) "I'll take you to the hardware store / I'll let you chomp my drill bit girl"
d) "I'll take you to the monastery / Break the vow of celibacy"
You can vote on your favorite at http://www.asinine-entendres.com
posted by daytime at 5:09 PM
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