Khia - My Neck, My Back

* (out of four)

I moved to the Tampa Bay area a year ago, and one of my main hopes and prayers was that none of the local women looked like this crack-toothed hoochie, a born and bred Tampa native.

Needless to say, when I arrived in Tampa, I was sorely disappointed and realized why this area ranks so low on Forbes.com top cities for singles (#36 out of 40!). To add more pain, I live near St. Petersburg, the more geriatric side of the bay, so it's been many lonely nights with those five girls from Palm Street.

Anyway, the "My Neck, My Back" video shows Khia at a neighborhood park barbeque with all the other local chickenheads and thugs. Khia spits out profound lyrics such as, "Lick it now, lick it good / Suck this pussy just like you should / My neck, my back / lick my pussy and my crack."

The video looks as if it was shot with a handheld camera, and the beat sounds like it was background music in a porno, programmed from a Casio keyboard. This was the peak of the local hip-hop scene a few years back, and if that was the peak, I don't want to hear the bottom of the barrel.

-Guest Reviewer Leon Bracey

R. Kelly - Trapped in the Closet, Parts 1-5

** (out of four)




Every time I listen to an R. Kelly song nowadays, I feel guilty, like I need to hide the jailbait. But I have to admit the man is a musical genius. To give you a little background information, "Trapped in the Closet" harkens back to the days of radio soap operas, with intricate plots and twists and turns involving adultery, homosexuality, violence and betrayal.

Kelly is a master of lyrics, with humor and suspense thrown in, and it makes for a somewhat satisfying vignette. When things begin to loose steam and bog the song down, which happens more than it should, R. manages to throw in something that makes you interested again. However, the conclusion of this drama leaves a lot to be desired.

The video was in heavy rotation during the summer, even showing up on VH1, and merited an irreverent comment or two on "Best Week Ever." But it would be a lot better without the melodramatic overacting that wouldn't even pass muster at a local chitlin'-circuit play. Excuse me, I mean "Urban Theater." That's what Tyler "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" Perry says we have to call it.

At the end of this installment of "Trapped in the Closet," R. has the nerve to tell us to stay tuned for Parts 6-10. Hell to the naw!

-Guest Reviewer Leon Bracey
(welcome back, Leon!)