Friday, May 26, 2006

Chris Brown - Yo (Excuse Me Miss) (2006)

*1/2 (of four)



The kitchen staff of the restaurant I work in is populated almost exclusively with African-American males between the ages of 17 and 50, and a frequent debate during downtimes is for the title of Greatest MC Ever. There was a heated argument going on a couple weeks back - one teenage kid thought Jay-Z was the best ever, while another one was arguing for Nas. Neither one would give way, and both were in fact yelling so loud the customers could hear them out front. And I managed to jump in with, "Guys, guys - I don't know why you're arguing about who's the best rapper. For my money, it begins and ends with Chris Brown." Which was the biggest laugh I've gotten in months from the kitchen brother crew.

If you're not familiar, Chris Brown is part of the next generation of Usher clones (Pretty Ricky, Young Jeezy) ready-made for TRL. He's like sixteen, light-skinned, just an okay singer and doesn't rap. Chris is more a choreographed-dance type of act, and over the course of the "Yo" video, he dances into the heart of a gorgeous-ass rented model who won't give him the time of day when she first walks past the shoe store he just got fired from. He follows her down the street, dancing with two guys he apparently doesn't even know, busts some more moves on the basketball court and eventually climbs into her back seat and starts making out with her.

That's not even the halfway point - we also have to suffer through a dance sequence on a black Cadillac hood and an Interlude That Has Nothing To Do With The Video. It's enough to make you wish Chris would just go back to working in the shoe store. Watching him try to squeeze some high heels onto a belligerent, 400-pound lady who swears she's a Size 7... now there's your video.

Boyz II Men - Thank You (1995)

**1/2 (of four)



Okay, I just mentioned that I have a hunch Az Yet is doing shows at casinos across the country, but I know for a fact Boyz II Men - such a massive act in the early and mid-'90s - recently played the Bottleneck Blues Bar at the Ameristar Casino here in St. Louis. Well, not "played" so much as stood around with microphones and harmonized over the sounds of Plinko bonuses on the Price is Right nickel slots. A couple friends and I even considering seeing Boyz II Men at Ameristar, which would have been a killer high school nostalgia trip, but the tickets were something outlandish like $45 and they were missing one of their guys. I think the guy with the deep-ass bass voice whose singing always sounded like it belonged at the low end of a Bobby McFerrin backing track.

On the VH1 Soul channel, though, at two in the morning, the Boyz II Men boyz live on in all their squeaky-clean Motown glory. I always much preferred the doo-wop dance harmonies of "Thank You" to the formula treacle of "I'll Make Love To You," which got like five times the airplay. The video, like the song, is happy as hell - director Lionel C. Martin shows the guys visiting their old Philly neighborhood by Jeep. The barbershop, the pool hall, the park, the stoop in front of the old brownstone? Represented. Meanwhile, fourth grade versions of the Boyz run wild in the streets and discover the magic of their parents' 45-rpm records. "Thank You" is pure cheese, almost embarrassing and still damn near impossible to resist.

Az Yet - Hard to Say I'm Sorry (1997)

** (of four)



A year and a half ago, on a Royal Caribbean cruise, I spent an entire afternoon working up a standup comedy routine about the ship and perfected a wicked impression of the Norwegian captain for the night's "Adult Karaoke / Talent Show." Only to be told by the hefty Jamaican emcee lady that standup and particularly impressions of the captain "will earn ya a boot overboard wit' no life vest!" So what did I do? I grabbed my buddy and signed up for a karaoke duet of Az Yet's remake of "Hard to Say I'm Sorry." The bar was set mighty low that night - our duet got a standing ovation, mainly from retirees, and the rest of the week had strangers coming up to me saying, "You're that guy that did the karaoke."

During that week in late 2004, I was more famous than R+B boy group Az Yet themselves. Who, I think, are currently on the casino-tour circuit, which isn't half bad for a group that had one hit that was a Chicago cover song. Peter Cetera, himself not long for the casino circuit, contributed vocals to the recording but is nowhere to be seen in the video. Wise decision - BET wouldn't have touched this shit with a ten-foot pole if it had included a 50-year-old Cetera emoting into the camera with clenched fists.

Director Bille Woodruff, who's been around forever and was - I think - behind every single Toni Braxton video, pulls the strings here. There's lots of washed-out color from across the wheel, and when the Az Yet guys aren't chilling with their girlfriends or shown from above, singing into a weird, elongated five-way mic stand, they're standing in boxes and rolling around town in their pimped-out '97 white Hummer. Which matches their sleeveless sweater vests.

Sounds happy, right, but there's drama afoot. One of the guys - not the one who looks like a Mr. Potato Head version of Don Cheadle, not the Jon B-looking one with the Prince stubble, not Usher's drunk uncle - pisses off his woman, gets a drink tossed in his face and sulks straight through the bridge and third chorus. The key to winning her back? He rolls up in the Hummer while Don, Jon B., Usher's uncle and other guy look on, and he gives her a dalmation puppy he stole from the Sublime guys. The shit works, too. Peter Cetera would be proud.

P.S. I always wished this remake would segue, like the Chicago original, into a funked-out version of "Get Away." No such luck.

eMpTyV index - 2005-2006

NEWEST REVIEWS

Nick Lachey - What's Left of Me (2006)
"Aside from having your actors constantly flash sorrowful looks off-camera, how do you show the dissolution of a marraige without words? Well, if you said, 'By resorting to something completely cheesy and ineffective like showing their belongings fading into nothingness,' you win the Grand Prize. Which is a date with Nick Lachey himself. Don't worry if you're kinda chunky or smelly or a guy, Nick's cranked up the knob to "Super Desperate," and he's ready for your lovin'." [read more]

Hawthorne Heights - Saying Sorry (2006)
"I can't hear the band name Hawthorne Heights without picturing a primetime soap-opera knockoff of "The O.C." where the parents are adulterous, the kids are into drugs, and one of the main characters gets killed off in the season finale. Instead, what we're in for here is a bunch of dudes in nurse costumes, standing on fake clouds and playing music Billboard.com describes as "post-hardcore/emo-pop." To those of us in our late twenties, it's just a big, steaming pile of subpar Green Day, Blink 182, Third Eye Blind and Foo Fighters poop." [read more]

The Fray - Over My Head (Cable Car) (2006)"When I saw goober-looking lead singer Isaac Slade's adult face dissolve into the very similar visage of a little uniformed schoolboy, I thought I'd be in for another music video rendering of the outcast emerging triumphant. Imagine my surprise when this kid seemed to get along with his peers, who didn't even make fun of him for religiously studying sheet music for his piano recital. It's almost as if this video is saying that, if you study hard enough and are tenacious with your dreams, you'll amount to something. What the hell has happened to MTV?" [read more]

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eMpTyV EXTRAS

Total Request Live Episode Review - 03.20.06
"TRL, in its ninth or so year on the air, with Carson Daly long having since flown the coop, is every bit the rehearsed-hip, screaming teenybopper, braindead commercial plugfest it ever was. The MTV people have this phony-ass, self-serving shit down to a science..." [read more]

2006 Grammy Awards - Hours Two Through Four - 02.09.06
"Best Pop Vocal goes to Kelly Clarkson, who thanks Jesus and God but not Simon Cowell, the third member of the Holy Trinity. Clarkson does give a shout-out to Bonnie Raitt, who is then seen in reaction shot sporting a shit-eating grin on her face like, "Yeah, thanks, I'm here because I have songwriting and musicianship skills. You owe your career to a reality TV show on the fucking Fox network." [read more]

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RATING SCALE


**** = John
*** = Paul
** = George
* = Ringo
zero = Yoko

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REVIEWS BY ANDREW HICKS

2Pac - I Get Around (1993) ***1/2
50 Cent - Candy Shop (2005) *1/2
50 Cent - Window Shopper (2005) *1/2
Gregory Abbott - Shake You Down (1987) **
Trace Adkins - Honky Tonk Badonkadonk (2005) *1/2
Clay Aiken - Invisible (2004) *
All-American Rejects - Dirty Little Secret (2005) **1/2
All-American Rejects - Move Along (2006) **1/2
Fiona Apple - O' Sailor (2005) **
India Arie - I Am Not My Hair (2006) **
Armor For Sleep - The Truth About Heaven (2005) **1/2
Az Yet - Hard to Say I'm Sorry (1997) **
B5 - U Got Me (2005) *1/2
David Banner - Play (2005) **1/2
Natasha Bedingfield - Unwritten (2005) **1/2
Beastie Boys - Root Down (1995) ***
Black Eyed Peas - Don’t Lie (2005) ***
Black Eyed Peas - It's Like That (2006) **1/2
Black Eyed Peas - My Humps (2005) *1/2
Bloodhound Gang - Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo (2005) **1/2
James Blunt - You’re Beautiful (2005) **1/2
Bon Jovi - Have a Nice Day (2005) *1/2
Boyz II Men - Thank You (1995) **1/2
Marc Broussard - Home (2005) ***
Chris Brown - Yo (Excuse Me Miss) (2006) *1/2
Busta Rhymes - I Love My Chick (2006) **
Mariah Carey - Say Somethin' (2006) **
The Carpenters - Close to You (1971) *
Cee-Lo - I'll Be Around (2004) ***
Chamillionaire - Ridin' (2006) **1/2
Cher - If I Could Turn Back Time (1989) **
Cody Chesnutt - Look Good in Leather (2002) **
Kelly Clarkson - Because of You (2005) *
Click Five - Just the Girl (2005) *1/2
Coldplay - Fix You (2005) **
Keyshia Cole - Love (2006) *1/2
Phil Collins - Another Day in Paradise (1990) **
Phil Collins - I Wish It Would Rain Down (1990) **1/2
Sheryl Crow - Tomorrow Never Dies (1997) **
Jamie Cullum - Get Your Way (2005) **1/2
Billy Currington - Must Be Doin' Somethin' Right (2005) **
D'Angelo - Lady (remix) (1996) **1/2
Terence Trent D’Arby - Wishing Well (1988) **
Da Back Wudz - I Don't Like the Look of It (2006) *1/2
De La Soul - Ego Trippin' Pt. 2 (1993) ***
DHT - Listen to Your Heart (2005) *1/2
Dixie Chicks - Not Ready To Make Nice (2006) *1/2
DMC - Just Like Me (2005) **
Dream Academy - Life in a Northern Town (1986) **1/2
Hilary Duff - Wake Up (2005) *1/2
Missy Elliott - Lose Control (2005) ***
Eminem - When I'm Gone (2005) **
Evanescence - Bring Me To Life (2003) *1/2
Fall Out Boy - Dance, Dance (2005) **
Fat Joe - So Much More (2005) **
Field Mob - So What (2006) **
Foo Fighters - Best of You (2005) **1/2
Fort Minor - Where'd You Go (2006) **
The Fray - Over My Head (Cable Car) (2006) **1/2
From Satellite - A Hundred Days (2005) **
The Game and 50 Cent - Hate It or Love It (2005) ***
Genesis - Invisible Touch (1986) *1/2
Gnarls Barkley - Crazy (2006) ***1/2
Go West - King of Wishful Thinking (1990) *1/2
Good Charlotte - Hold On (2004) **
Green Day - Holiday (2005) ***
Anthony Hamilton - Can't Let Go (2005) ***
Jan Hammer - "Miami Vice" Theme (1985) *
Hawthorne Heights - Saying Sorry (2006) *1/2
HiM - Wings of a Butterfly (2005) ***
House of Pain - Jump Around (1992) ***
Alan Jackson - The Talkin’ Song Repair Blues (2004) ***
Janet Jackson - Got Til It's Gone (1997) ***1/2
Janet Jackson - When I Think of You (1986) ***
Michael Jackson - Another Part of Me (1988) **
Leela James - Music (2005) ***1/2
Jay-Z - Hard Knock Life (1998) **1/2
JD and Jay-Z - Money Ain’t a Thang (1998) ***
Jet - Are You Gonna Be My Girl (2003) ***
The Jets - Crush on You (1986) *
Jewel - Again and Again (2006) *1/2
Jack Johnson - Upside Down (2006) **
Howard Jones - Everlasting Love (1989) *
Mike Jones - Still Tippin’ (2004) **
Junior Senior - Move Your Feet (2003) ***
Juvenile - Slow Motion (2004) **
Toby Keith - Courtesy of the Red, White and Blue (2002) zero stars
R. Kelly - Ignition (2004) ***
R. Kelly - Playa’s Only (2005) **1/2
Alicia Keys - Unbreakable (2005) ***
Korn - Twisted Transistor (2005) ***
Nick Lachey - What's Left of Me (2006) *1/2
Brie Larson - She Said (2005) *1/2
The Lemonheads - It's a Shame About Ray (1992) **1/2
L.L. Cool J - Control Myself (2006) **
Lindsay Lohan - Confessions of a Broken Heart (2005) *1/2
Ludacris - Number One Spot/The Potion (2005) **1/2
Madonna - Die Another Day (2002) ***
Madonna - Sorry (2006) **
Makaveli - Hail Mary (1997) **1/2
Maroon 5 - She Will Be Loved (2004) **1/2
Ricky Martin - I Don’t Care (2005) *1/2
Michard Marx - Satisfied (1989) *1/2
Matisyahu - King Without a Crown (2005) **1/2
Mazzy Star - Fade Into You (1994) ***
George Michael - Father Figure (1988) **1/2
Kylie Minogue - Come Into My World (2002) ****
Alanis Morissette - Crazy (2005) **
My Chemical Romance - Ghost of You (2005) **1/2
Mya - Fallen (2004) **
Nappy Roots - Po' Folks (2002) ***
Nas - One Mic ***1/2
Me’Shell Ndege’Ocello - Pocketbook (2002) **1/2
Nelly - Grillz (2005) *1/2
Juice Newton - Queen of Hearts (1981) *
Nine Inch Nails - Only (2005) ***
Notorious B.I.G. - Warning (1995) ***
Outkast - Land of a Million Drums (2002) ***
Robert Palmer - I Didn't Mean To Turn You On (1986) **
Panic! At the Disco - I Write Sins, Not Tragedies (2006) ***
Sean Paul - We Be Burnin’ (2005) **
Tom Petty - It's Good To Be King (1995) ***
Pink - Stupid Girls (2006) **1/2
Poison - Something to Believe In (1990) **1/2
Pussycat Dolls - Buttons (2006) **1/2
Red Hot Chili Peppers - Dani California (2006) (2006) ***
Reliant K - Who I Am Hates Who I’ve Been (2005) **
The Rembrandts - I’ll Be There For You (1995) *1/2
Rihanna - Pon de Replay (2005) **1/2
The Roots - Next Movement (1999) ***1/2
Santana featuring Steven Tyler - Just Feel Better (2005) *1/2
Leo Sayer - You Make Me Feel Like Dancing (1976) zero stars
Smash Mouth - Story of My Life (2006) **1/2
Will Smith - Switch (2005) **1/2
Snoop Dogg and Pharrell - Drop It Like It’s Hot (2004) ***
Soundgarden - Spoonman (1994) ***
Britney Spears - Do Somethin’ (2005) *1/2
Britney Spears - My Prerogative (2005) **1/2
The Specials - Ghost Town (1981) ***
Starship - Nothing’s Gonna Stop Us Now (1987) *
Gwen Stefani and Eve - Rich Girl (2005) **1/2
Gwen Stefani - What You Waiting For? (2004) ***
Stray Cats - Sexy and 17 (1983) **1/2
Stryper - Soldiers Under Command (1985) *
Sublime - Date Rape (1992) ***
Switchfoot - Stars(2005) **
The System - Don’t Disturb This Groove (1987) *1/2
T-Pain - I'm in Love With a Stripper (2006) *1/2
Talking Heads - Wild Wild Life (1986) ***
Technotronic - Pump Up the Jam (1989) *
Temple of the Dog - Hunger Strike (1992) **1/2
Tone Loc - Funky Cold Medina (1989) **1/2
Toto - Hold the Line (1978) *1/2
Trick Daddy - Sugar (Gimme Some) (2005) ***
KT Tunstall - Black Horse and the Cherry Tree (2006) **1/2
Van Halen - Right Now (1992) **1/2
Suzanne Vega - Luka (1987) **1/2
The Veronicas - 4ever (2005) **1/2
War - Why Can’t We Be Friends (1975) **1/2
Kanye West - Heard 'em Say (B+W Version) (2005) ***1/2
Kanye West - Jesus Walks (2004) ***
Kanye West - Touch the Sky (2006) ***
White Stripes - Hardest Button to Button (2003) ***1/2
White Zombie - More Human Than Human (1995) ***
Saul Williams - Black Stacey (2004) ***
Vanessa Williams - Colors of the Wind (1995) zero stars
Mark Wills - Back at One (1999) **
Wreckx-N-Effect - Rump Shaker (1992) *1/2
XTC - Dear God (1987) ***
"Weird Al" Yankovic - Like a Surgeon (1985) ***
Yellowcard - Lights and Sounds (2005) *1/2
Yellowcard - Rough Landing, Holly (2005) ***
Rob Zombie - Foxy, Foxy (2006) **1/2

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REVIEWS BY LEON BRACEY

Amerie - 1 Thing (2005) ****
Bubba Sparxxx featuring Ying Yang Twins - Ms. New Booty (2006) ***1/2
R. Kelly - Trapped in the Closet, Parts 1-5 (2005) **
Khia - My Neck, My Back (2002) *
Madonna - Hung Up (2005) **
Pretty Ricky - Your Body (2005) *
Sean Paul - Temperature (2005) ****
Trina - Here We Go (2005) **1/2

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ANDREW'S ARCHIVE REVIEWS BY YEAR

2001
2000
1999
1998
1996
1994